The Gaping Wound

So, when you have surgery and the stitches fall out - word to the wise - don't listen to the receptionist at the Doctors' office who tells you it is fine and don't bother coming in. Anyway, nothing major, nothing serious in the end. I have an extra centimetre or two of scarring today - but a much nicer scar fah sure. Everyone is happier, especially me.

A bolt from the blue

My friend* called it a procedure.

Procedure: A series of steps taken to accomplish an end: a medical procedure; evacuation procedures.

In this case, a medical procedure. I don't call it a procedure. A procedure makes it sound like, I dunno, a music concert (or getting the snip) This wasn't fun at all. I had a bolt, a lipoma, a cluster of fat, growing with a cyst on the back of my neck.

Today, I didn't have a medical procedure. I had SURGERY. Even though it doesn't sounds as nice, it is what it is. Calling it a different name doesn't really make it easier. Not that she was suggesting that at all.

Surgery: A surgical operation, especially one involving the removal or replacement of a diseased organ or tissue.

The difference between a medical procedure and surgery is simple. A medical procedure is all civilized, like taking a pill. Surgery is a brutal thing. They take a knife and cut you open, exposing your insides to the world. It is not glamorous. It is disgusting. It fucking hurts. It is scary. I didn't want to do it. I knew it was going to hurt. And it did. It does.

They took a knife and cut open my skin. They ripped and pulled and cut with knives and other instruments. It took an hour and a half. The promised one centimetre cut became an inch or more. That'll leave a scar.

Sure, after that they removed the lipoma. But that poor little bolt was a part of me. He's been with me for all my latest life adventures. I almost loved him, especially after Mary-Ann and I went from making fun of him to loving him, to taking him out on a night on the town etc. But, I knew that I had to get rid of him. I'd farted and tarted and been scared of doing something for long enough.

It's just that the time had come. Time to do something. And now its done. Not in an elegant 'procedural' way, but rather in a brutal prehistoric surgery, albeit with modern knives instead of flint tools, kind of a way.

It just had to be done. Now. Not tomorrow while I thought about it some more, concluded that it was fine just to leave it for a while. No. It might be cancerous. Then what? It might ruin my future. So, I had to be harsh and determined, get over my fear, and 'out damned bolt! Out I say'1

Well, it's done now. It was harder than I ever thought. Harder than it should have ever been. But, I get my neck back now. It will always have a scar, a wound from my battle with life, another wound, not my first, not my last. Iwill be reminded of it whenever I look at that part of my anatomy in the mirror or when someone else spots it and asks.

It will for a brief time in the future hurt or embarrass me when that happens, but I suppose one day I'll look back and say I've been through worse, and I won't even notice or remember that it hurt. I'll always have the dreams and memories of my bolt and how he affected me emotionally2. I'll think fondly. MA will remind me about it from time to time. We may even laugh about it.

But, I'm better off without it. It will be nice to have my neck back, for other uses. I just needed to have surgery, get it over and done with. Who knows if I didn't act now what might have happened. Can you imagine what parts of my future I might have lost if I didn't do it today. I don't even want to think about it.


*Actual definition is still TBD.
1 From Macbeth (V, i, 38)
2 Embarrasment, fear and a few tears (because I'll miss him, sometimes)

Bareback Mountain

Hey. Heather, have you seen the movie yet? Comments? Thoughts? Were you responsible for handing out the chaps on this one too?

New Year

Happy New Year, belatedly I know. Back to blogging here I come. I can't decide if I should write a list of New Years resolutions or not. Maybe it's just because i don't know what exactly my resolutions should be. Eat better. Already done. Start Working Out. Already done. Find a better job? Well, no. Just work harder to make it happen. I like what I'm doing if I can just get it to make money. Make Money. Okay. There you go. A resolution. Get caught up. There, that's something I can put on the list every year. I'm never caught up with everything I need to do. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I'm not sure.

I haven't blogged in ages. Probably because at the height of long weekend season I felt so desperatly alone and just wanted to rage and rant in anger. Well, I just didn't feel like it. It has been a very emotionally turmultuous year. And this one starts off again like it left off. Except. Except the reason I have not resolutions is that, on New Years day, and the day before and the day after and the day after that, my life was perfect. I had just been on an adventure in London with the woman of my dreams. We had what she calls the 'best 24 hours of my life." And, well, i agree. The best 24 hours of "our" life.

I was with my family that I love and I miss, living almost 10,000 miles away from them as I do. And, i was sharing everything with the woman of my dreams. Showing her my old life. The places I've loved and hated. The people I admire. The people that made me who I am. My Mother, who loved her. So, really, when you have it all, you just don't need to make resolutions.

Except that I didn't have the forsight to make two very important resolutions.

1) Have patience with her. More patience than you have. It'll be worth it.
2) Don't fuck it up with her, you'll regret it forever if you do.

Well, resolutions not made. Girl, probably sick and tired of my rants and my insecurity, my lack of patience for her. I mean, I know. I've waited two years for her. What's waiting another few months or another year. Well, now I'll never know. How is it that you can have the best 24 hours of your life one week, get so angry the next that you ruin it all? If you want to know, just ask.

My List

Reprise: I've had to look at this again. And change it again.

The original list that I posted a few days ago was not my original version but rather version two, because I thought I had lost the original, but I have now found it and so I am reposting the list with some of the original thoughts in it.

I want

no

I DESERVE

* someone who is honest and trustworthy and who thinks of me before they act in selfish ways
* someone who wants me as much as I want her
* someone who doesn't live in the past, someone who lives in the moment with an eye on the future; someone who learns from the mistakes of the past and doesn't repeat them ad nauseum.
* someone who wants me as much as I want her
* someone that inspires and improves my security - my calmness - my ability to love - my spiritual, mental and emotional person - my stability
* someone who wants me as much as I want her
* someone who is full of affection. Wouldn't it be wonderful to be smothered with affection? Physical love. Touches. Hugs & Companionship. And don't forget words - tell me that you love me - you miss me - you want me
* someone who wants me as much as I want her
* someone with a simple view of life
* someone who wants me as much as I want her
* someone that has an honesty and openess that will allow me to connect with every fibre of my soul
* someone who wants me as much as I want her
* some with a sense of humour
* someone who wants me as much as I want her
* someone with a daring and fearless approach to life. Not someone who is without fear, but someone who is determined not to let that fear stop them
* someone who wants me as much as I want her
* someone who has peace, is calm and is loving
* someone who wants me as much as I want her
* someone who is comfortable with their sexuality, thier body and sex
* someone who wants me as much as I want her
* someone who can be selfless
* someone who wants me as much as I want her
* someone gentle but strong
* someone who wants me as much as I want her
* a tom-boy who morphs into the princess of the ball
* someone who wants me as much as I want her
* someone with youthfulness & old soul wisdom; a woman who has a lot of girl in her; not a girl with lots of woman in her
* someone who wants me as much as I want her
* someone who is not afraid to challenge me; to laugh at me and with me
* someone who wants me as much as I want her
* a mother to my children; someone kind, gentle, nurturing, a lover and a teacher
* someone who wants me as much as I want her
* a restless soul who is commited to finding out more about life; themselves and the world around them
* someone who wants me as much as I want her
* someone who will compromise and sacrifice because I will do those things for her
* someone who wants me as much as I want her
* someone who will fight for me
* someone who wants me as much as I want her
* someone who will never judge me
* someone who wants me as much as I want her

WARNING

Warning Warning Warning!

Doing the following things will not make you happy:

1) Going to Dairy Queen 4 times in 4 days.
2) Eating a whole box of popsicles - in one day
3) Drinking three cans of Coke - at the same time
4) Waisting countless dollars watching endless science fiction movies at the box office --
5) Babysitting room-mates mother and dog 4 the weekend
6) 3 hours naps every afternoon during a long weekend
7) Risking everything; trusting and hoping that everything she said was true and that it will work out despite the complete and utter heartache you are going through - it is what you think is best for you and for the Team.

Am I cute today - in a Vietnamese kind of a way

I am a huge fan of Vietnamese food - it's fresh, it's healthy - it just plain tastes great. I have a couple of favorites - depending on the menu item - tonight I am stuck editing again - another night sitting over an editors shoulder trying to make a story out of nothing on what is officially the WORST home make-over show ever made - or as the editor said - trying to make chicken salad out of chicken shit - and so - I thought - all this thinking of chicken has made me hungry - so I decided to take the company CEO out - I knew they don't do lemongrass chicken - so he'd hate it - but they have the BEST chicken SATE soup this side of Hanoi - so I'd love it.

Now, I spent the day in bed - readying myself for the dizzing night of frustration ahead - I didn't shave even though I am in a new phase of shaving as much as possible - not as little as possible - and I need to get a hair cut as well - I didn't iron my shirt - it was wrinkly - my jeans were dirty - but what the hell - I'm not gonna see anyone - I can be a slob --

So, in a break, or rather desperate attempt to get away from the pain of the edit suite for an hour, off the CEO and I go to CO DO Vietnamese. It's located on the corner of 17th Ave and 14th Street - at the end of the red mile - a pretty trendy area, just below the best of the wealthy neighbourhoods in Calgary, Mount Royal - and close to the densly populated areas around 17th. The drive was great - lots of beautiful people wandering around in the sun - the CEO bitching about how he hates beautiful people - me jammed between him and the baby seat in the '89 Chevy Pick-Up truck he drives.

CoDo is a ... well... one step above a dive. In appearance anyway. The last thing you expect when you go into the CoDo, even though it's on 17th, is that it will be filled with fifteen of Calgarys finest looking thirty something women. But there they were, well, when you could see them between the glinting shards of light extruding from the diamong engagement rings.

My mouth literally hit the floor - I mean, there were four or five STUNNING women in there, a few with babies, most in the prime baby making age, the rest were just beautiful - all well dressed but not snobby, all with a slightly longer left arm from the weight of the diamonds... I sat down and looked around - amazed -

And then I became even more amazed at what happened next - I made eye contact with one.. a little too long of a glance.. and then she smiled... then the next one.. then the next.. she smiled and looked away - for a moment before she looked back - what the? Was I imagining it? Must be... well I think I was..

But it went on - all through my chicken sate soup slurping - and finally - i thought - no - I'm being totally arrogant - none of these women would notice me - not tonight - not with the CEO - not here, at Co Co - until one.. long blonde hair - big diamond ring - brown eyes - early thirties .. approached my table as she was paying... and said 'hi'.... ummmm 'hi'.. er.. I think... ... what? okay I know the eye contact was long... over and over.. and I know that I smiled and she smiled.. but.. oh well.. needless to say I just stammered... smiled... agreed that the food was great... and let her pay and leave without further incident...

Well.. that was something... maybe she knew something I didn't... maybe she was just having a random compliment night ... and then - just before I got up to pay - the two large tables (each had 5 or 6 woman at them) started standing and introducing themselves and their babies to each other...

I paid and politely pushed my way through the crowd... and I made the same long eye contact with at least three of the other beauties on my way out... but not just eye contact.. but THAT eye contact.. what the hell? - was I that cute today.. despite feeling completly plain.. or is there just something in that Vietnamese water? I dunno.. probably just my arrogant imagination...